Richard Moore's Straight Talk Columns

Hit by Christmaspostitis, I need a break too

18/1/2011

OMMMM. Slap. Ommmmm. Slap. Ommmmm. Thwaakkk. Ouch!

Damn. Blast. Just hit myself in the head with one of two chickens I'm waving around.

I'm doing the voodoo-Haitian thing because I'm wanting to ward off the evil spirits of all those folk who are returning to work after having Christmas and New Year off.

Having been all relaxed in the sunshine and getting lots of beach and family time, the poor dears are feeling stressed at having to head back to the office.

All I can say is ... blub quietly.

I've just started holidays after working through the festive season - that is not only editing newspapers, but also racing around buying presents, preparing Christmas feasts, birthday parties and other celebrations and so on.

So what are the summer sookies suffering from?

Well the experts say the symptoms the poor dears get include: Headaches, tiredness, sleeping problems, palpitations and chest discomfort.

Without asking $100 an hour for advice I can tell them this ... you're still drunk, you party bums, and it's called a hangover.

Other issues are: Irritability, anger, poor concentration and being overly sensitive.

This could be two things.

Firstly, you've slacked the past few weeks before your holiday as you eased into holiday mode and now you've remembered just how lazy you were and the mountain of work waiting for you to wade through.

Or, you could be married.

Of course, you may have:

Christmaspostitis - the nasty knowledge that you have to start paying back your credit card.

Sufferisinlawitis - a debilitating condition where you've had to put up with loads of semi-related objectionable freeloaders (very common living in beach-side places).

Distaffdementia - where you can't remember the last time your house was without Uncle Bob, Cousin May or the mother-in-law from hell.

Offyourbumaphobia - a fear of working.

Alarmoclockophobia - a fear of sunrises.

Darkoclockitis - a hatred of night shifts.

Ocrapimstuckwithemitis - a disease of being partner to a shift worker who needs 17 hours sleep a day.

Now while all the above are recognised medical conditions, there are several ways to cope with them.

There's the abovementioned chicken-waving spell. It's slightly messy and if you get your movements wrong can end in concussion.

Failing that, you could try Kumbayah approach, which means lots of camomile tea, an enema or two and medicinal herbs of a legal variety. Perfect for public servants and office workers.

Next up, there's the gratitude method where you are thankful you still have a job and can pay your bills. If you are in retail at the moment hold on to this one as long as you can because it may not last until Easter.

Finally, you can take the slightly harder option - and just harden up.

*******

WHILE the rest of the country is plagued by oceanic beasties of a big-toothed variety, it seems the waters of Hawke Bay are sharkless.

The Department of Conservation hasn't had any reports of anything unusual going on - except perhaps an albatross at Wairoa cemetery.

It could be the weather there isn't as nice as our Bay and so they've swum north to be with us, or else maybe Hawke Bay's carcharodon carcharias think humans are passe and they've moved on to more tasty things, such as brunch at The Old Church or a drop of Black Barn pinot gris.

******

IT SEEMS that all is not kindness and light in the wonderful world of Disney.

It is a strange and sad case of a 27-year-old woman who has been left traumatised by an attack at the Disney World theme park in Florida.

She has accused one Donald Duck esquire of grabbing her breast when she was holding her child while waiting at the Epcot theme park.

Shocked, and fearful of bird flu, the woman has taken out a post-traumatic stress lawsuit against Disney.

Fair enough, too, that sort of thing can lead to fear of cartoon characters but, as is usual nowadays in the good ol' US of A, the lawyers are taking it several steps too far.

She is not only complaining of assault, but is saying she has been left with nightmares and digestive problems.

richard@richardmoore.com..