Richard
Moore's Straight Talk Columns
Don't
try splitting infinitives with me ...
4/1/2011
OI!
YOU over there.
Oi,
John Key, yeah you ... Where is my Order of NZ, bucko?
No
I haven't led a boy scout troop for 40 years, nor have I been a
JP, but let me tell you that English would be far worse in the world
without my editing skills.
I
know my thats from my whichs, know how to not split infinitives,
can spell (and use spell check), am right on top of grammar and
can write a blinking good headline.
So
where is my award for services to journalism?
I
see that fab photographer Peter Bush got one. Mind you he is a heck
of a lot older than me and his rugby photographic senses are inspired.
And
Garth George got honoured as well, fair enough too.
Oh,
I see, I'm not old enough, nor have I terrorised reporters enough
... well that can change.
I
could be like the old tyrants from when I was a cadet. Terrifying
was not the word for them. Bowel loosening is more like it.
Crikey,
they made me quake more than a jelly in Christchurch.
I
will never forget the time as a 17-year-old newbie taking a small
and utterly uninteresting story to the chief reporter at the Herald.
It had taken a couple of painful hours to create but he thumbed
through it, muttered something rude, looked up at me, said ``This
is s***!'', screwed it up, threw it in the bin and said ``Do it
again.''
Nowadays
you can't terrify cadets or junior reporters.
Firstly,
there's probably a law against the bastardisation we copped. Secondly,
they think they know it all anyway.
And
PM Johnno, why do people get awards for doing their jobs anyway?
Like
the guy who's chief executive of a Government department. He gets
paid blinking well, can sit around in the public service yakking
all day, and he gets an award as well.
Or
Michael Hill ... what'd he get it for? Services to making squillions
for himself, or being a golfer?
Among
those who shine in the honours list is Sir Ray Avery, who has helped
improve the lives of the world's poorest people through his Medicine
Mondiale organisation.
And
let's spare an award or 300 for the helpers in our society who provide
care for those who cannot help themselves.
And
also foster parents and charity workers.
Next
to them, I can live without my award for another year or two.
*********
RECENTLY
we had the release of a pile of secret Government papers on the
subject of UFOs and little green men.
Actually,
they didn't mention little green creatures, but one of the reported
sightings did catch my eye. It was from a chap in Dannevirke and
came from 1962.
Here
is what the chap wrote of his sighting a ``great saucer, coming
down vertically, oscillating slightly while I kept contact telepathically
and through the antennae of my finger tips''.
The
only time I can send a message through the antennae of my fingertips
is when making rude gestures at idiots on the road.
*********
OH
DEAR, oh dear, oh dear.
This
is really embarrassing for a neo-Nazi Polish couple who have just
discovered ... they are Jewish.
Now
considering what the Nazis did to the Jews, Poles and other people
they rated ``sub-human'' during World War II, I'd have thought being
a leather-loving, jackbooted goon would be bottom of the Polish
popularity list.
But
Pawel and Ola loved being part of a white-power gang in Warsaw and
no doubt scribbled swastikas and racial hate slogans on Jewish buildings,
synagogues or cemeteries.
After
discovering their little skeletons in the closet they have given
up being good little Nazis and now celebrate Hannukah. Oi vey.
**********
MY
GOODNESS, a study in Australia points to the fact that more and
more married couples are renewing their marital vows.
Oh,
that's just so sweet. Makes my heart warm. I go all fuzzy feeling.
I
guess they realise it's cheaper than splitting up.
Now
if you think that's cynical what about how they rate marriage in
Iran.
Under
Iranian law, guys and gals can commit themselves to a ``temporary
marriage'' where, for spending an agreed period of time with a chap,
a woman gets paid a certain amount of money.
Heck,
temporary marriage is a much nicer way of putting what we in the
Western world call prostitution.
richard@richardmoore.com..
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